here are some pictures from a big grill party in grandpa and grandma's garden several weeks ago, along with my story, my passion, my dreams, my situation, my life.

i thought about it this evening, what i wanted. i pictured a little house with big gardens filled with fruits and vegetables, especially berries. and i'd make berries tart in summer. i'd eat healthy, organic food, whole grain, no dairy products. as much from garden as possible.

be a photographer, a writer, a journalist, a blogger, and more importantly; a traveller.

and most importantly, with a cat, my cat, as my best friend.

that, would be my dream life.



lately, i realised that i have routines, as much as i love them. i'm a lazy girl who loves to just stay home and read all day and sleep all day and eat all day, just as much as i love adventures. i didn't know how that could be because they're such contradictions. but that's how i look and myself from my own perception.

unknown, broken and beautiful life.




i think i'm a cat.

or i mimic a cat way of living.

lazy way of living.

i feel like i've spent to much time on internet lately, and stop interacting with people. not really stop interacting with everyone. but more like stop trying to form relationships with people. though i still maintain good bonds with those i already have ones with.

and in general, i've done nothing. no talent. nothing at all.

and i hate myself for sitting here, doing nothing, and being jealous at other people.


i'm afraid to try, afraid to give myself in, afraid to make mistakes.

which is considered to be the biggest mistake itself.

i'm afraid to really try, to really strike at something, to give it my best shot. i'm afraid that once my best shot is gone, i won't be able to take it back. won't get anything back at all.

i feel like everything contradicts one another.