don't you miss your family?
when are you going home?

home.
i have written about this topic several times but i still have a lot to learn about this word.

here in england, most of the people i talk to everyday are from europe (and also uk) and those are the question i have been asked quite often...

when are you going home?

especially in the last month because people think everybody goes home for christmas

i have been away from home for a whole year before when i was in germany. it was hard but i can't remember it be this hard.

now i can understand why brits hang out with brits, europeans with europeans and asians with asians

brits go home every other weekend, or some every break
europeans go home every break, or some over christmas and easter
asians go home when the year ends, or some (rich ones) one twice a year

so what happens when an asian girl hang out with europeans is that she is left behind over the breaks, when they all go back home.

in response to the first question, oh of course i miss my family. so desperately that i also miss simply being in a family, any family at all. good thing is that during term time, the workload is keeping me busy so that i don't have a lot of time to think about them, to miss them.

but once everybody is gone during holidays, it hits me in the face home physically alone i am. and sometimes mentally as well.

that's something different, something i haven't experience in germany. I have always been a part of a family, no matter where i was whether the family had time for me or not, i have always been with a family. and that's what make me be able to call a place home.

being a part of a family makes anywhere around the world home.

i have seen my friends from other parts of europe getting so excited before christmas break because they were about to fly home, and i was the only one who wasn't in the mood. i couldn't understand why they were that excited. not that i don't want to go home to, but the idea of going home has never seem to be possible to me. i know i am not going home until my course ends in may.

until one day, my friend noticed something and mentioned that i speak of my family in germany even more often than my real family in thailand.

which is true.

why? i asked myself that. not that i like one of them more than the other. if i were to choose, of course i would choose my family in thailand. but i talk about my family ing germany so often because it is something possible. it takes two hours to fly to germany and i might actually do that. but the idea of going to thailand before summer is impossible, and talking about it will just make me miss them more.

in fact, i just booked my plane tickets to germany last week.

yes, and now i can truly understand the excitement my friends felt when they were going home for christmas.. i couldn't sleep when i found out that i can actually apply for my visa by post and don't have to go to london for it. which meant the idea of going to germany was becoming real.

i think about all the people, all the families i am going to see again and it's just wonderful.

it's the closest i get to being home.

so until the day i am welcomed as a part of a family in england, i might never be able to call this place home.